i have a wow moment every time she breaths…..
she can get to me…. but a little spank gets her right back on track….
her laugh…..her laugh is like the sword that shields me….. from any pain
she is my joy, my being, my wow….
she makes me feel, makes me dream makes me want to be the best mum that ever was…..
she waits on me,…wow…she needs me…..
But when she cries she tears me apart but i stand firm coz thats what i am now, firm…..wow
i know i will never be the same….i had my doubts on love but who I’m i kidding…
I’m in love every moment i see her, every moment i wake up and thats the first voice i hear.
she looks into my eyes when im rocking her to sleep and i see what she sees….me……..
I’m a mum…. and i have found hope, devotion….
i want, i need so much in life…but i got life…and i gave birth to life…..
WOW! May 23, 2010
i have a wow moment every time she breaths…..
life is so precious…..yet we walked…her path with no conviction no thought……
what is life? what are the stages of life….i would love to tell you her story her damaged past,
but how do i start……. how do i reveal, what was what is and what will not become.
Her love was not passionate it was pain….. and yet we tried to tell her love was pain, but what is pain…… love????
damaged she was, broken she did not believe she was!!!!…… she walked under the moonlight in her dreams she envisioned whisperings in her ear….. but woke up to a nightmare! no one next to her, no one to wait on her.
i look at myself and want to run away turn my pain…. to ashes….. I’m done…. i was there, but not to help!
i can’t help myself but feel i would have made a difference i would have helped….. she would have been alive. Now with no life, no ambitions no dreams…..no anticipation.
REach December 2, 2009
i try to reach,….. i try to speak…… but i cant be heard,
i could use somebody! i try to swallow my tears…..
my tears are not loud enough…… i try to reach, it’s to far
i try to touch, i can’t feel… i’m not leaving….coz i could use someone like you!
Reach out for me i cry…. reach out so you could catch me…..
reach, is all i ask before i break my being, before i break me..
i know your the one to save me! your the one.
dark, freedom, shame! October 23, 2009
She gathers the last bit of her dignity, she walks the walk of life in shame. her life seems dark!
the truth lingers, the bitter truth lingers…..
it was a night like any other, but a friend turned out to be an enemy, a murderer of her innocence..
bitterness….. now freedom seems to be forbidden, freedom from dreaming…… intimacy?…… painful…..
shackles on her feet, bondage not easily forgotten!!! pain that chocks her hard to explain her fears.
life doesn’t seem to make sense anymore…
a touch brings painful memories, sleepless nights….. her woman hood stripped off her….
does anyone remember her? her???… how happy she was….
thats darkness she lives in.
shame…… she can not afford… anyone to see her…. reality is painful.
how she whispers to herself every night… a painful wish ‘wish i was drunk for i would not have fought has hard’
a fight she is still battling with….. freedom she longs for……….
Wings October 14, 2009
They grew stronger, tougher than i thought. Impressed by the change,
i moved gently, the pain cant be compared to the joy. Mixed emotions swimming
within me, fear…. joy, pain…. loneliness, maturity!
i can feel my wings forming as the pain jets in again and again… when will it stop?
our heartbeats become one, i take a breath of expectation hoping it will end soon!
to no avail! i hold on to sanity like i would hold on to God, a small prayer i chant…
as the pain subsides i visualized the end..a sort of comfort settles in…..
as i push the remaining life out of me, i’m giving birth to life……… beautiful life
worth it???? yes!
As my wings are now formed i fly, above the canopy of past pains and new ventures
of motherhood…here are my WINGS and they were worth every pain!
Hijacked October 13, 2009
his body hijacked him! locked him in a dark room…he calls out, there is no one to hear him out.
He frantically moves in his bed.
memories run through his head….he thinks…. is it worth it……. living?he knows at the back of his head he is captive no GI Joe, no Jack Bauer to rescue him. he is captured locked battered, with his system..
embarrassed.. nothing left, not even his man hood!
Fear, desperation, AGONY! what more could possibly happen? HIJACKED with nothing to do…..but listen to
a touch!!! but who is it as he struggles to see who it is? he stops…. the warmth of the touch tells him everything.
tears!! run through everyones eyes..he knows its a sight, but he won’t do anything, first. a loud scream of anguish..
he slowly tries to lift his hands to touch his face, his eyes….he touches the first thing he can….. nothing….
how can he accept he his new life with no sight….with no voices…..a silent life!!! how did he get Hijacked with his system……
shhhhh!! silence surrounds me… i hear her creeping in, her dress brushes my skin,
i’m scared, out of breath, but she doesn’t care. i scream and its not a dream…..my heart
beats, my hands are sweating! damn this isn’t some cheap thrill this is real…..
i wish…. i could hold everyone for the last time, my tears run down, i can smell her.
i cant look at her, i know why she is hear. is she here to stay?
now…….at this instant i have a shhhhhhhhh moment. my whole system is on lock down. Can’t help but to think if
it’s time….is it? is it my moment? i have my whole life ahead of me, but has there been a time when one is ready?
steadily i try and breath…..just for that second! i know i’m not here to stay…..
it’s cold, erie, painful,it is…. coz there is no one to hold me for the last time….no hair….
the Chemo got the best of me…but not the best of my memory….i loved, i cried i danced i lived!
But here she is….she presents herself…good bye life hello death….