i have a wow moment every time she breaths…..
she can get to me…. but a little spank gets her right back on track….
her laugh…..her laugh is like the sword that shields me….. from any pain
she is my joy, my being, my wow….
she makes me feel, makes me dream makes me want to be the best mum that ever was…..
she waits on me,…wow…she needs me…..
But when she cries she tears me apart but i stand firm coz thats what i am now, firm…..wow
i know i will never be the same….i had my doubts on love but who I’m i kidding…
I’m in love every moment i see her, every moment i wake up and thats the first voice i hear.
she looks into my eyes when im rocking her to sleep and i see what she sees….me……..
I’m a mum…. and i have found hope, devotion….
i want, i need so much in life…but i got life…and i gave birth to life…..
wow!!!!
WOW! May 23, 2010
Damages May 23, 2010
life is so precious…..yet we walked…her path with no conviction no thought……
what is life? what are the stages of life….i would love to tell you her story her damaged past,
but how do i start……. how do i reveal, what was what is and what will not become.
Her love was not passionate it was pain….. and yet we tried to tell her love was pain, but what is pain…… love????
damaged she was, broken she did not believe she was!!!!…… she walked under the moonlight in her dreams she envisioned whisperings in her ear….. but woke up to a nightmare! no one next to her, no one to wait on her.
i look at myself and want to run away turn my pain…. to ashes….. I’m done…. i was there, but not to help!
i can’t help myself but feel i would have made a difference i would have helped….. she would have been alive. Now with no life, no ambitions no dreams…..no anticipation.
What next?
REach December 2, 2009
i try to reach,….. i try to speak…… but i cant be heard,
i could use somebody! i try to swallow my tears…..
my tears are not loud enough…… i try to reach, it’s to far
i try to touch, i can’t feel… i’m not leaving….coz i could use someone like you!
Reach out for me i cry…. reach out so you could catch me…..
reach, is all i ask before i break my being, before i break me..
i know your the one to save me! your the one.
dark, freedom, shame! October 23, 2009
She gathers the last bit of her dignity, she walks the walk of life in shame. her life seems dark!
the truth lingers, the bitter truth lingers…..
it was a night like any other, but a friend turned out to be an enemy, a murderer of her innocence..
bitterness….. now freedom seems to be forbidden, freedom from dreaming…… intimacy?…… painful…..
shackles on her feet, bondage not easily forgotten!!! pain that chocks her hard to explain her fears.
life doesn’t seem to make sense anymore…
a touch brings painful memories, sleepless nights….. her woman hood stripped off her….
does anyone remember her? her???… how happy she was….
thats darkness she lives in.
shame…… she can not afford… anyone to see her…. reality is painful.
how she whispers to herself every night… a painful wish ‘wish i was drunk for i would not have fought has hard’
a fight she is still battling with….. freedom she longs for……….
Wings October 14, 2009
They grew stronger, tougher than i thought. Impressed by the change,
i moved gently, the pain cant be compared to the joy. Mixed emotions swimming
within me, fear…. joy, pain…. loneliness, maturity!
i can feel my wings forming as the pain jets in again and again… when will it stop?
our heartbeats become one, i take a breath of expectation hoping it will end soon!
to no avail! i hold on to sanity like i would hold on to God, a small prayer i chant…
as the pain subsides i visualized the end..a sort of comfort settles in…..
as i push the remaining life out of me, i’m giving birth to life……… beautiful life
worth it???? yes!
As my wings are now formed i fly, above the canopy of past pains and new ventures
of motherhood…here are my WINGS and they were worth every pain!
Hijacked October 13, 2009
his body hijacked him! locked him in a dark room…he calls out, there is no one to hear him out.
He frantically moves in his bed.
memories run through his head….he thinks…. is it worth it……. living?he knows at the back of his head he is captive no GI Joe, no Jack Bauer to rescue him. he is captured locked battered, with his system..
embarrassed.. nothing left, not even his man hood!
Fear, desperation, AGONY! what more could possibly happen? HIJACKED with nothing to do…..but listen to
his emotions.
a touch!!! but who is it as he struggles to see who it is? he stops…. the warmth of the touch tells him everything.
tears!! run through everyones eyes..he knows its a sight, but he won’t do anything, first. a loud scream of anguish..
he slowly tries to lift his hands to touch his face, his eyes….he touches the first thing he can….. nothing….
how can he accept he his new life with no sight….with no voices…..a silent life!!! how did he get Hijacked with his system……
shhhhhh October 13, 2009
shhhhh!! silence surrounds me… i hear her creeping in, her dress brushes my skin,
i’m scared, out of breath, but she doesn’t care. i scream and its not a dream…..my heart
beats, my hands are sweating! damn this isn’t some cheap thrill this is real…..
i wish…. i could hold everyone for the last time, my tears run down, i can smell her.
i cant look at her, i know why she is hear. is she here to stay?
now…….at this instant i have a shhhhhhhhh moment. my whole system is on lock down. Can’t help but to think if
it’s time….is it? is it my moment? i have my whole life ahead of me, but has there been a time when one is ready?
steadily i try and breath…..just for that second! i know i’m not here to stay…..
it’s cold, erie, painful,it is…. coz there is no one to hold me for the last time….no hair….
the Chemo got the best of me…but not the best of my memory….i loved, i cried i danced i lived!
But here she is….she presents herself…good bye life hello death….
new life experience October 13, 2009
had a new life experience a few weeks ago…. painful…… but a beautiful chest pain, the kind like a bullet, just went right thru me….
no blood just an instant pain…. so i gather myself look around and notice him but pay no attention!!! Anxious, so many uncertainties so many gentle thoughts……i laugh and walk away with a smile on my face….for the friendly random meet!
our second meet, he walks up to me and i feel his eyes on my breasts, i sort of giggle….and say hi!
i can feel his presence with a vengeance…and i don’t mind it…. but i have to be a lady…..as my thoughts go round his, thoughts, we tangle ourselves in a web connection that can’t be split, can’t be torn Lord knows we don’t.
and no one will make us!
well there is no knocking on his door coz im already in….im home, embracing grace, solitude and peace…
we cant fight it! i’m loving…. abundantly! yes abundantly…..
this is real……as real as it gets!
Im here to stay…he whispers to me every-time before i sleep.
June 22, 2007
sweet sorrow,
i once knew sweet sorrow, had a light smile, no frown, no laugh just sweet sorrow.
It was possible….. i dont know her myself. i approached sweet sorrow with a hug….i embraced her but she stubbed me instead. jumped with joy to welcome her she….she sort of started to burged me, im getting tired of this, what did she what? was a question that kept running through my mind night and day…sweet, sweet sorrow caught me when i was naive, green she pounced on me when she had the chance and never did let go of me. i had no laugh, i had a frown thou…is it a good thing???seemed like it in the beginning….. and no smile. i was asked once what happened to the cherpy girl we once new…funny thing is i didnt know it myself,didnt realise it.
sweet sorrow, what did i do, hah!!!!! i dont even regret it now. i have had people take advantage……and leave skid marks all over my heart, my broken skin, but it didnt kill me. now this is me, this is who i am sweet sorrow, i expect nothing from anyone.
i have sweet sorrow around me…in me….with me….she wont let me go…..once you let her in she becomes a virus.
I need an anti-dot…..and thank God i found it!!!!!! her birth….the life i gave birth to.
wait a minute June 4, 2007
well almost a year and im still standing. Wait a minute, am i meant to be here. can i say i made it? not yet. Wait a minute i pay my rent now, feed myself. i cant deny they were days i went hungry, no food no friends no family…i didnt give up i didnt not for one minute. Wait just one minute who have i become is the question? A tougher being theres no where i cant go no sitution i cant over come. At least that is what i think. Did i find happines? is the question i ask myself everyday. dont know yet. Why hold on, why not hold on. there have been endless pain in my life both parents dead! poeple treating you like your dead yourself. i lost hope and found emptiness, emptiness rocks. makes you realise what you have to do to fill the emptiness…or maybe not. Wait a minute,wait one minute… thankyou Al you made an impact the day i spent the whole day in your office.
